I’m trying to find a balance, I’m trying to build a balance.

— Slug

I know that I should be keeping a journal for every day of my bizarre life, but I always thought that I would just remember. The thing with remembering is that you need all the faculties to begin with, and for the majority of my life I wasn’t really giving myself a fighting chance. More on that later, but for now I am introducing my fingers and thoughts to a hobby that I last recall doing in Developmental First grade; journaling. I mean, I guess its technically blogging in current internet lingo, but lets get real. It’s fucking journaling. Except very much unlike my first journal in D-1 that I ripped up walking home from school on the last day (Sorry Mom), this one is going to be a little more poignant. I am looking to rewire my brain for better healthier habits and as much as I would like to start the day at 6am meditating in a somber room, lets get real. That kind of thing only happened when I was in treatment at Hazelden. So this will be the next best thing. A sort of cathartic release from my brain to my fingers, my heart to the wide expanse, from these keys to this screen, from me to you. I don’t know if anyone will really read this, but if they do I sincerely hope that it helps. I found great help every single time that I came back to the rooms of AA/NA. As much as I hated to admit to myself that I was an alcoholic, an addict, a terrible waste of fucking space it kind of felt good. To finally not side skirt the reality that I found myself in I jumped in head on. After treatment I went buck wild on recovery. I did 90×90, probably more like 93×90. I ingested the MN Model and tried to live my best life while not really understanding the higher power aspect of it, but tried to go along anyway. More on that later. There is so much that I have to expound but I should probably do it in a more organized way, right? This blog project will be much like a Tarantino film- extraordinarily confusing and the timeline will be chopped up and rearranged, but I will do my best to keep it entertaining and hopefully, and most importantly that it may help just one single soul. Just like when I go to a meeting and I share, I preface it with an apology about the lack of structure and warn the room that it will run like water. This intro has no outro.